Not my usual upbeat kind of post. Throughout this pandemic, I have tried to be upbeat and positive, but I have learned that its ok sometimes to just feel the stress and take a bit of time to wallow I suppose.
When the pandemic started, I was laid off and Tom’s new job got pushed back. But after two months of job hunting, trying to get by on what we have and also trying to come up with many contingency plans for whichever way this pandemic grows has gotten a bit tiring. I am someone who likes to have a plan, who knows what I am doing day to day and in all honesty, I love to work. I hate feeling useless, just watching each day go by.
Recently we have started getting up rather late. Not moving around the flat until 10am, which makes you feel like you have wasted a lot of the day so why not waste the rest of it with some TV or video games. But doing that isn’t going to help with us finding work, which then makes me feel guilty and I promise myself that tomorrow it will get better. But if I am being honest, its not really getting better. It is just a cycle that keeps happening.
At the beginning of the pandemic I took the time to upgrade my CV, build my portfolio and Tom began making the flat feel a bit more like home. We now have several more plant babies, photographs on the walls, new recipes in the cook book, and everything felt good. But as the days have gone by, my willingness to keep going with productivity has started to waver.
I know that this is a slump. And one that I have been in before — when we came back from travelling, I struggled to find work and it really took its toll on my mental health. That is why I have tried so hard to stay positive and productive. I know that it will get better, as the world starts to go back to some form of normal, when both Tom and I are working again. It will get better. But right now it’s hard. And it’s allowed to be. Everyone is struggling in their own ways because of the pandemic.
Something that I have learned through this pandemic is that it is ok to feel a little useless. And it is ok to be honest about it because somewhere else in the world, people are feeling the exact same as me. So I am going to keep going, each day it will start to get a bit better until I no longer feel this little bit of emptiness.